Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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