Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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