I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
