Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
