you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I can't turn off my feet"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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