I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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