I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
