Do you still have your period?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
