It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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