Your face is a jimmy john
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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