If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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