I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
