Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
