I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
