I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
