my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don't deserve a penis
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
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