I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
