Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
