I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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