I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
