Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
