Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
