I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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