Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
