The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
