My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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