Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
