Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
