the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
