nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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