im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
