Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
