After last night, I could never be a politician.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
