Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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