I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
