I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
