I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
