I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
