you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Randomize
