Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
