Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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