I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
