Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
