i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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