I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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