And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she told me i tasted like america
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
