Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
