When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
