genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
