I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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