he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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