i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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