I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
